vegan, foodie, cooking enthusiast, spoonie, just trying to put one foot in front of the other...
Thank you to Chef Jeanie at Ella’s Fine Food and Drink for giving us the best and only cooking lesson we’ve ever had!
haven’t personal-blogged in a while, extended doldrums remix.
last night was another night where i simply failed to fall asleep altogether. 2nd one in three or four weeks. our furnace shitting the bed this morning, leaving me no opportunity for a hot shower or bath, was a convenient excuse for staying bleary, greasy, ripe, braless, and in my pajamas all day long—again. draping myself on the couch over a frozen dinner-breakfast and settling in to catharsis-cry the day away to taylor swift music videos, only scampering off to hide in my bedroom when the home health aide showed up and later when the new furnace was being delivered. i made no phone calls. i washed no dishes. i attempted to nap three separate times and struck out.
i did manage to wash some laundry, so that’s something accomplished at least, assuming the cold water sufficiently rinsed away the detergent. much of my wardrobe is comprised of well-loved 10-20 year old band t-shirts bought at shows and other grungy, ratty stuff that’s neither leave-the-house-wearable anymore nor is it necessarily sleep-in-it-comfortable, but which i’m emotionally attached to. i’m long term cash-poor, and despise waste in a way that’s possibly a bit neurotic, so even though i never seem able to figure out how to incorporate certain garments successfully, i basically keep wearing them slovenly style for all eternity ‘cause i cant figure out what else to do. the depression’s gotten bad enough i’m essentially living a life in pajamas the last few weeks or so anyway though. while 2013 and 2014 saw mostly a further acceleration of personal emotional turmoil, on the positive end, i was gifted two very well-timed sets of really cute pj’s, which, come to think of it, are more stylish than most of the clothes in my closet. comfort especially matters when you need comforting, duh, and i’m doing what i can to get through the days, so, for now, at least i can be a *polka-dotted* pj-slob. (body image is a whole other kind of strange when you start depersonalizing, too, btw. fun stuff. at this point, though, fuck it.)
i’m still in a place that feels like an all time low in terms of mood, concentration, and logistical hopelessness, but at least for the moment it’s mostly apathetic/blank and not an agitated despair and i’m grateful for that. i’m too down not to tear up over any tiny shimmer of light i can find (TS), but i’m also too exhausted to sob about my life tonight. maybe that’s not such a bad place to be and if i can just keep going i can hold on like this a little longer and wait and hope for breakthroughs from some of the seeds i’m trying so hard to plant for myself.
i know this isn’t interesting, that it’s just therapy blogging, forcing myself to inventory, allow release, and more than anything take up some kind of visible social space once in a while rather than hiding away in my own mess of dirty clothes piles and mental clutter and shame. major depression is really, really not fun. i know some of my tumblr mutual follows deal with it too. hugs to all of you.